My heart…

Let’s face it, any one who has a child knows that their heart no longer belongs to them. From the minute your child is born your heart is walking around outside away from you, where you can’t always protect them.

Over the past few weeks I’ve literally experienced heartache when my child, my heart and love of my life, tells me that it’s wrong for mommies and daddies to not live together, and we must stop fighting and say sorry and be together.

Aurora is 4 years old and has been up and down between her dad and I since she was 18 months old. She doesn’t remember a time when we were together, and still she knows that that is how it’s supposed to be.

How do I explain to her that mommy and daddy don’t love each other and that it would actually be wrong to live together? Even if it is for her, the one person that both of us love more than anything else on this planet? It’s a constant heartache for me, knowing that this is the one thing I cannot give my child.

Parents who stay together in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children give up so much – everything, in fact, to give their kids the kind of life they think they need. Sometimes this isn’t the right decision. Sometimes kids do need to see 2 happy, single parents who can focus all of their time on them, instead of parents who are together, yet never have any conversation or time for each other, essentially living past each other and in some cases having extra-marital affairs to feel loved and wanted.

It’s tough. And when Aurora states that she wants to stay with me and not go to her dad for her time with him, I’m consumed with guilt for not having the tenacity to follow through on my vows to her father. Sometimes I think dealing with him would be worth having my child with me all the time, instead of only 50% of her life.

But then I know that my life would be empty and unfulfilled. I’d be angry and agitated (because that is what he does to me), lonely and feel unloved, and I probably wouldn’t be the awesome mom I am now 🙂

Everything is as it is for a reason. I had my many reasons for leaving him, and maybe one day, if she’s old enough and interested enough we can have the conversation,  woman to woman. But for now I just have to hug her tight and tell her that no matter where I am, or where her daddy is, she is very much loved by both of us.